Hell Hath No Fury...

This is from the files of When a Good Dad Goes Bad.
It was November 2007 and I was still playing Daytime Daddy. I had just dropped Junior Bear and Peanut Bear off at preschool and came back to the house with Cookie Bear, who was 2-years-old at the time and too young for school, and was taking care of some personal financing.

Mama Bear and I own a pair of rental properties with her parents and I pretty much oversee the daily operations of the investments. It was towards the beginning of the month and I had just deposited the rent checks a few days earlier. So I got online to make sure the checks cleared in time for the automatic withdrawals when I noticed that a large amount of money was missing.

Yes, missing! I immediately went into a panic.

Knowing I am forgetful, I ripped apart the house looking for one of the rent checks. After I couldn’t find the check, I realized I forgot to check the account history when I was online to see if the checks were deposited. (It’s amazing I can make it through a day without any major injuries).

Anyway, both checks were deposited and the account history showed that a withdrawal was made on the same day I was in a wedding party for a good friend of mine.

So I called my bank’s 800 number to get them to look into it. The lady I spoke to on the phone said that the withdrawal was made from a South Jersey bank and was signed for by a guy with my same last name, just a different first name – making it a clerical error and not fraud (remember that fact). However, she told me I had to call that local branch for them to fix it.

I then called that branch and, at first, I was sane. I explained my situation to the assistant manager, who then transferred me to the branch manager. That is when the problems started.

This dude (I’ll call him Sunshine) kept insisting that this was fraud and not a clerical error. Sunshine refused to give in and told me I had to file a police report and go to my local branch to file another report.

Oh yeah, and he said I was out of luck when I asked who was going to spot me the money for the two mortgage payments that were due in 48 hours. He told that when it has to do with identity fraud, which he was claiming, I would have to wait a few weeks, if not months, for my money.

BS, right? That’s what I told him in so many words.

By the time we stopped yelling at each other, I had about 15 minutes before I had to pick up the kids from preschool. On my way to pick them up, a very evil thought came to my mind – I was going to take all three kids to the bank right from school, meaning they were going to be hungry and tired.

So that’s what I did.

First, we stopped by the police station and filed the report. That took just a few minutes and the officer couldn’t believe that we had to go through these steps.

Then, we went to the bank. Of course, we had to wait for the assistant manager, as the branch manager was off that day. That was fine by me though, I was letting the kids have their way with that bank from the start, as they immediately began climbing all over the chairs.

Seeing the kids acting up, one of the tellers thought it would be a good idea to give the kids lollipops. I agreed -- the more sugar the better I thought.

About 20 minutes went by and we were finally called to the assistant manager’s desk. You could see this guy was having a bad day before I even got there. Sunshine had called him to warn him of my arrival and if memory serves me right, he was trying to fix another problem from another client just before we got there.

Anyway, the lollipops were almost finished when we got to the desk, meaning -- you guessed it – sticky fingers.

I explained my situation to him and he could barely keep his attention on me, as Junior Bear and Cookie Bear were playing musical chairs without the music and Peanut Bear began to creep behind him. The kids were behaving just perfect (insert sinister laugh here).

He then called the other branch and as he was doing that the lady who gave the kids the lollipops came over with some coloring books and crayons. Good idea by her, but what she failed to realize was there was plenty of other things on this guy’s desk for them to color.

As he was talking to the other branch manager, Cookie Bear went through about 50 percent of his business cards with the crayons. The rest were taken care of by Junior Bear’s sticky fingers from the sugar-filled lollipop he just devoured.

After the assistant manager hung up, he had a few more questions for me and you could tell he was stuck in the whirlwinds, not knowing what end was up.

He had me fill out some paper work and while I was doing this his phone rang. Now I couldn’t hear the other end of the conversation so this it was it sounded like to me.


“Hi Ella.” (She’s the district manager I came to find out).

“I know. I know. I asked him to stay but he had to go. I am in the middle of dealing with a client.”

(Peanut Bear screams that she has to go potty, diverting the guy’s attention for a moment. I tell her to hold it.)


“Oh, right. I know I can’t miss the pick-up, but what am I supposed to do? I asked if he could wait five more minutes and he didn’t.”

“Okay, it won’t happen again.”

(He then slams down the phone and violently throws his pad and paper across his desk into the window.)

By this point I was done filling out the paper work and I realized my plan had played out perfectly. The guy was frazzled. The kids tore apart his desk and took the attention from other bank personnel. He had missed the armored car pick-up and he got yelled at by his boss.

(In my mind, this was when I was saying, in my best Hannibal Smith impersonation, “I love it when a plan comes together.” And stick the cigar in my mouth smiling. Remember, he was the leader in the 80’s hit show the A-Team).

I wasn’t ready to leave yet as I didn’t have my money, but the guy told me that he believed this was a clerical error and he would take care of it and call me within the next few hours with an update.

So I took the kids out of the bank, with a quick pit stop at the potty for Peanut Bear, and treated them to Burger King to “reward” them for their behavior.

This is when Karma kicked in, as I quickly realized that two 4-year-olds and a 2-year-old can’t change their behavior so quickly. And I paid the price as the kids had me running around BK like crazy as they were jumping on the chairs, spilling drinks and throwing food.

I looked like the worst father and that day I probably was, but my point was made and the issue was taken care of, because when I got home there was a message on out machine saying, “I apologize for the error, your money has been refunded to your account.”


Amanda said...

Hahaha this is classic GWiles!!!

S. said...

I agree!

Papa Bear said...

For about a minute or two, I felt bad I did this to that guy. But oh well.

Abby said...

You are an evil genius!!!